It was April 2000. It was one of those days when I am so stressed up and so confused. My relationship with my ex-hub was too much to take. I was a “pinabayaan” na inay in a place where I don’t if the people around me I can call a “family”
I know that a healthy child is an active child. A healthy toddler is one that loves to play, move around, and almost touch everything that you wanna do. She was more than 3 years old and her brother was couple of months before 1 year old (the age of learning how to walk, stand, and crawl fast).
In the morning after their breakfast, D is given bath, then dressed and settled in the sala to play. Then her younger brother is the next — bath, dressed, given milk to sleep. While the kids are resting, i hurry up to wash the dishes, clean the mess on the table, (as di ko type ang linis ng nanay), and washed the kids dirty clothes. I don’t want D to mess up before i am done with my morning chores.
That certain morning– she just didn’t behave the way i wanted her to behave. I got so fedup. I needed so much help but there is no one to call on to — I just got so mad that i hit her with a plastic hanger. Hit her so hard and many times that she cried alot. I screamed at her “go home! go back to your grandma! I don’t want you here! Go back!” While screaming that, she cried hard as i beat her hard too and said, “No! No! I only want my mommy!”. My heart didn’t melt with her pleadings. Was just super angry. I took another hanger to beat her more because the first hanger was broken. As she kept on saying that, “I only want my mommy” — my tears were falling too. I know what i was doing was not right — i knew it very well, but my hand won’t just stop hitting her bottom and legs. I was so angry that i didn’t stop hitting her ’til my anger subsided.
My ex-hub came in the way but i screamed at him, “huwag ka maki-alam. ‘Di mo ‘to anak.” Guess my eyes were blazing fire because not a word was uttered again.
I then picked Dimple up and hugged her so tight. I was still crying. Pinabayaan ko na ang isang bata na umiyak din sa may duyan. Guilt overwhelmed me that moment and regret was obvious in my cries. D still didn’t behave the way i want her in the next days but i never hurt her again that way because later that day, ayaw na nya lumapit sa akin. Dun nalang sya sa kapit bahay kasi love na love sya dun. She was a cute lovely child kasi. Full of smiles — but i let her taste the life na full of pain when i spanked her earlier that day.
The days that followed i kept thinking and thinking how my mom treated me when i was a child. Was she so stressed up too (because of a lazy & irresponsible husband) that she hit me too when i didn’t behaved the way she want me to? — Four months later, when i went home to Iligan, i asked my mom about it and she sadly said, YES. I cried because i feel i jst knew it (4 months back) that what was done to me when i was still a little is being unconsciously reflected in the way i handle my kids during those “crazy” mommy days.
When i tell someone about this experience — am still always full of feelings and it makes me cry. and now as am blogging this — tears are falling.
Wish i could turn back time. (sigh)
They Speak